The Grumpy Gunny's View

Mr. Balloon Meets Mr. Pin

2008-02-26T00:12:00.000-08:00

This is way cool, really go see!

Priceless Seeds

2008-02-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

The "Doomsday" seed vault in Norway is now open:

Dubbed the "Doomsday Vault," the seed bank is considered the ultimate safety net for the world's seed collections, protecting them from a wide range of threats including war, natural disasters, lack of funding or simply poor agricultural management.

The Norwegian government paid to build the vault in a mountainside near Longyearbyen, in the remote Svalbard islands between Norway and the North Pole...

The Svalbard Global Seed Vault, as it is officially known, can hold as many as 4.5 million seed samples and will eventually house almost every variety of most important food crops in the world, according to the Global Crop Diversity Trust...

The vault's location deep inside a mountain in the frozen north ensures the seeds can be stored safely no matter what happens outside.

"We believe the design of the facility will ensure that the seeds will stay well-preserved even if such forces as global warming raise temperatures outside the facility," said Magnus Bredeli Tveiten, project manager for the Norwegian government.

I'm not saying this is a bad idea, but if something like global warming destroys all of the seeds outside the vault and makes growing those crops impossible, then where do they plan on planting the seeds inside the vault?

Just a thought.

They Walk Among Us

2008-02-11T12:00:00.001-08:00

From the TronHunter comes the latest Darwin Awards – proves that some have not climbed very far up the evolutionary ladder.

The Winner is:

1. A Robber and His Pistol

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again.

This time it worked.

2. The Chef and Insurance Agent

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. Snow Storms

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.

Understandably, he shot her.

4. Never Accept A Free Ride

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. Train Science

An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

6. New Age Method of Donating.

A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15.

[If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Beer, Bricks & Windows

Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

8. A Time to Speak Your Mind and a Time to Mind Your Speech.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in
the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9. Simple Safe for Simple Minds

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. Zen and The Art of Gas Theft

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your friends and family... unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

Back Again

2008-02-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

Sorry to have fallen off the face of the virtual world but life got in the way. Things have calmed down and I’ll be blogging again.

Always Wondered If It Was More Than The Uniform

2007-08-19T00:46:00.000-07:00

A Marine is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given birth to a typical Marine baby boy weighing 25 pounds .

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Marine just shrugs and replies, "That's about average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Marine Corps baby boy." Gonna be a true United States Marine"

Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Marine baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So,
how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The Marine father takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Hat Tip to Hop-a-Long

The Vick Jury

2007-08-18T00:57:00.001-07:00

Why You Should Only Drink With Friends

2007-07-31T21:36:00.000-07:00

Why You Should Only Travel With Friends

A Kiwi was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in Saudi Arabia, sharinga smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the police entered and arrested them.

They were tried in one of those fair Saudi kangaroo courts and sentenced to death. However, out of the goodness of their heart, the appeals court commuted the sentence to life in prison. But as it was a national holiday, so the Sheikh decided to release them after each received 20 lashes of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped!"

The Englishman thought for a second then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain.

The Kiwi was next up, but learned from the Brit and said: "Please tie 2 pillows to my back before whipping." This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes.

The Kiwi stood up smiling.

Before he Aussie could make his wish, the Sheikh said:"As you are from The land down under with women of breathtaking beauty you are permitted to have two wishes!"

The Aussi thought for a second, then said: "Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available."

"If you so desire," the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face,"and your second wish?"

"Tie the Kiwi to my back"

A navigator searching for his head during a cross country flight...

2007-07-28T19:09:00.000-07:00

Hat tip to the Snow Bunny

End of Life Medical Etiquette

2007-07-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral.......I'm a gynecologist."

The proctologist fainted.

H/T to the Northern One

Back to Regularly Scheduled Programing

2007-07-27T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Confessions of a Closet Republican has a post up on the Navy's new terrorist catch and release program - complete with free air travel.

Serious Break III

2007-07-27T08:55:00.000-07:00

Very rare that I post a link to a serious story, but this is a issue I think needs much more attention - human trafficking, which is the 21st century term for slavery. so take time from laughing and read this. Thanks.

An Honest Resume...

2007-07-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

From the Snow Bunny comes this job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida. She claims it is for real and that they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME:
Greg

SEX:
Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION:
Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:
$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:
Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY:
Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:
It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 LBS?
Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?
On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Yes – Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

SUMBITCH

2007-07-25T14:03:00.000-07:00

Courtsey of the TronHunter comes this tale of the clash of cultures (wonder if the party was at former Senator Edwards place?)

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his Thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing every where. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a Dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

Letters To God

2007-06-27T22:35:00.001-07:00

Received these photos of letters written by children to God from Just Josh's Mom. If you enjoy them leave a comment thanking her!

Serious Break

2007-06-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

The Maricopa County Community College District (MCCCD) has settled its with Professor Kehowski, the professor MCCD placed on forced administrative leave for sending George Washington's Thanksgiving Day Proclamation to his colleagues by email. For the details see here and here.

Marine Atrtists

2007-06-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

Came accross these photos of Marine H-53s that were sent to me a while ago and thought I would share them. I confirmed that these are actual photos of the Marine helos during the first Gulf war. Now every one knows that a good camouflage paint job is important. However, as this squadron proved, camouflage paint need not be boring.

Now I am not sure it is true, but it seems to me that an added benefit of these paint jobs is that those who would do the crews harm would be to engrossed in admiring the art work to pull the trigger. I mean in a land where the women are covered from head to toe, the view provided here is one that many most likely have never seen.

Even if the enemy has seen such sites before (in real life or old playboys hidden under the burquas of their girl friends) would anyone seriously damage such art work with bullets? That would be rather sadistic. Alas though this paint job was highly effective in protecting our Marines during Iraq I, tragedy struck upon return to the States. The art work was ordered painted over and the helos returned to their not so exciting officially approved colors. Oh well, better to have painted and lost than never to have painted at all.

A Woman Scorned

2007-06-20T22:28:00.001-07:00

Ever hear that saying about a woman scorned? Well this is a photo of the art work of one such scorned woman. I think it is called the "Holey Car." Not to worry though, it is only an Audi.

The Blonde Handiman

2007-06-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handywoman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint leftover, so I gave it Two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Hat Tip to HopALong

Pick Your lawyer Carefully

2007-06-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

A Mafia Godfather hired a deaf bookkeeper because it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court. However, the bookkeeper may have been deaf, but he was not above temptation and stole $10 million dips from the Godfather's accounts.

When the Godfather finds out he goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million bucks and he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.

Through his interpreter, the Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and tells the attonrey: "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers

Hat tip to the MGYSGT

Cheating Wife!

2007-06-09T01:35:00.001-07:00

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness

The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told
you I inherited money.

He paid for the Hummer I bought for you.

He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for your New York Giant's season tickets.

He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?" The cabby replied,

The cabbi just pointed and said "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Why One Should Mind His Speech

2007-06-07T12:47:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks 'THE question.'

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd probably get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do"

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND : "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: ....silence......

HUSBAND: "Oh, shit."

Hat tip to the Northern One

Why The English Wore Red Coats!

2007-06-05T17:41:00.000-07:00

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him.

Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why, from that day to this, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

Blonde Street Painter?

2007-06-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

Long Way Down

2007-06-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they
hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could
be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will
dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest
of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because
of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood.
The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief,
he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket wake. After the burial, she went
straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow..
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid
that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come
back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink, smiled and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried
upside down......"

Thanks to the Panther for the smile.

Why Men Should Not Do The Laundry

2007-06-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He Never Heard the Shot

Thanks to HopALong

Hymn 365

2007-06-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I Had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Finally, shaking his fist in the air, he Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down and the song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song...

Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

My Generation

2007-06-02T23:22:00.000-07:00

This has to be the best music video of the year - an updated version of Who's "My Generation" by a very un-Who like group.

Thanks to Patricia Payne for the link!

Why You Should Know the Answer Before Asking the Question

2007-06-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. So he took four worms and placed then into four containers separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Thanks to JustJoshsMom

Wise Women....

2007-06-01T23:59:00.000-07:00

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please keep reading.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.

Moral of the story: Women are not as clever as the think. Let them continue to think that are and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that women never listen!!!

Thanks to the Northern One

2007-06-01T13:32:00.000-07:00

This would freak me out. It is the painted floor of a bathroom of a 10th floor condo. Great paint job....sick mind

Hat tip to HopALong!

One of Those Teaching Moments

2007-05-31T18:47:00.000-07:00

A woman was walking down the street when she was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her bill fold, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No," I had to stop drinking years ago, the homeless woman replied.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked

"No," I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight.

The homeless Woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments and wine."

Thanks to HopALong

Seen On A Septic Truck

2007-05-31T07:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing more one need say...

Hattip to LGem.

Advice, Advice, Everywhere I go Advice

2007-05-31T07:25:00.000-07:00

An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Soon they passed some people who remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk."

So they then decided they'd both walk! A short time later they passed some more people who remarked that they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.

The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story - If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

Thanks to HopALong

Thank You...

2007-05-28T12:35:00.000-07:00

Taps

Day is done, gone the sun, From the hills, from the lake, From the skies.
All is well, safely rest, God is nigh.

Go to sleep, peaceful sleep, May the soldier or sailor, God keep.
On the land or the deep, Safe in sleep.

Love, good night, Must thou go, When the day, And the night Need thee so?
All is well. Speedeth all To their rest.

Fades the light; And afar Goeth day, And the stars Shineth bright, Fare thee well; Day has gone, Night is on.

Thanks and praise, For our days, 'Neath the sun, Neath the stars, 'Neath the sky, As we go, This we know, God is nigh.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To those who have fallen so we may stand, I shall always remember. Thank you.

(From the Lamplighter)

Actual Newspaper Ads

2007-05-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat ... Been out a while.
Better be a reward.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes
Excellent condition
$1,000 or best offer
No longer needed, got married last month.
Wife knows everything.

Thanks to the Panther

Don't Put Grandma on the Stand

2007-05-27T16:25:00.000-07:00

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Smith. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do, I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Getting Married

2007-05-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

Lew was a very happy person. He had been dating a wonderful woman for over a year, and they had just recently decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering Lew...It was her beautiful younger sister. Lew's prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near himme, and he always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never
did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked lewto come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when he arrived, and she whispered to him that she had feelings and desires for him that she couldn't overcome. She told him that she wanted him just once before he got married.

Well, Lew was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." Lew was stunned and frozen in shock as he watched her go up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

Lew opened the door and headed straight towards his car. Lo and behold, his entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, Lew's future father-in-law hugged him and said, "We are very happy that you passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of story? Simple - "Always keep your condoms in your car."

Thanks to HopALong

Guaranteed Weight Loss

2007-05-26T20:31:00.000-07:00

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight-loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a Voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike Running shoes and a sign round her neck. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 Lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20-pound program.The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign a roundher neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This woman is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her; but catch her he does. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs., as promised.

Now he decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50-pound Program."Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone, "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies," I haven't felt this good in years. "The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 6-ft man standing there, wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around his neck that read: "I'm Dave. If I catch you, you're mine..."

A Tribute To Our Troops

2007-05-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

If you want to see one of the most moving, forceful, and powerful tributes to or troops click "Remember Me." It is a video made by a 15 year old young lady posted at YouTube. After watching it ask yourself why she understands but those such as Senator Kerry, Senator Ried, Rosie O'Donnell and others don't.

Hat tip to the Lamplighter.

Some Times Last Is Best

2007-05-24T15:07:00.000-07:00

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story - Always let your boss have the first say.

Thanks to Passion

Thought of the Day....

2007-05-23T18:45:00.000-07:00

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." (Rod Stewart)

Busted for Common Sense

2007-05-23T18:38:00.000-07:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and begins reading her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also
think.

Thanks to the Texas Cougar

Entertainment For Those Who Are Retired

2007-05-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a friend's music store. I was only in there for a couple of hours, but when I came back out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired musician a break"?

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a "Nazi."

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo Pig."

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care too much. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary '08." I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important for my health.

Thanks to the Texas Cougar

The Wonders of Modern Technology

2007-05-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's that?" The father (never having seen an elevator)
responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen nuthin like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the smalL circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy..................go git cha Momma............... "

Courtisy of XrayGirl

Teachers - When Will They Ever Learn?

2007-05-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep it was fascinating. " > The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating" .

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

Hat tip to the SnowBunny

Interesting Facts

2007-05-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (If this is true Pops can heat a 10 gallon drum of it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (If this is true Pops is a nuclear power.)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Don't worry HopAlong, he needs a heart first.)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (SnowBunny - told you being a pig is not a bad thing.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(So? Just squash them.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. (explains why congressional aids are skinny and dumb.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (No HopAlong, you can not rip is head off.)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field. (Ohio State should look into this.)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (And they eat garbage?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (SnowBuny - makes deciding whether to be a pig or lion in your next life hard, heh?)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Always heard having big feet was a good thing.)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (Anyone know if Kerry is left handed?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (I don't believe it, the GOP is jumping all over the place.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (So is Ted Kennedy's, what's the big deal?)

Starfish have no brains. (Ok, so Kennedy is smarter than a starfish.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Uh pigs and lions?)

Why One Should Not Buy Cars In Scotland

2007-05-19T14:46:00.001-07:00

Never buy a Toyota in Scotland or you may end up taking a swim.

Thanks to the RightWingAngel

If It Is To Good To Be True.....

2007-05-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullshittin' me! "

The social worker smiled and said, " Yeah, well . . You started it."

Mothers Through The Eyes of Children

2007-05-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

The following are some answers to questions given to second grade children. Rather interesting how they see their mothers.

Why did God make mothers?

-- She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
-- Mostly to clean the house.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

-- God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
-- They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

-- I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
-- They say she used to be nice.

What did Mom need to know about Dad before she married him?

Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

-- She got too old to do anything else with him.
-- My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

-- Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

-- On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
-- Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?

-- I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
-- I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Hat tip to the Snow Bunnie (she's the one with a dab of mean)

Retired Marines and Slow Watches

2007-05-18T02:33:00.000-07:00

A guy named Jake just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and pretty sharp, not as sharp as a Naval Aviator, but still sharp. So the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called old Jake into the office for a talk.

"Jake, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome.'

"Yes, I know Boss," replied Jake, "and I am working on it."

"Well good, you're a team player Jake. That`s what I like to hear. It`s odd though, your coming in late. I know you retired from the Marines..... What did they say if you came in late there?"

"Good morning, General Poillon."

Arthur "Jake" Poillion enlisted in the U.S. Marines on February 25, 1943 and retired as a Major General. Among his numerous assignments he served with the 5th Marines in Korea and the 1st Marine Division in Viet Nam. I think General Poillon's service, and the service of countless others like him from private on up, entitle them to be a few minutes late from time to time, heh? Thanks General.

Hat tip to the Tron Hunter.

The Psychic Daughter

2007-05-18T02:26:00.000-07:00

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked,"Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in
contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. this morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

Thanks to the Panther.

Black Pumps in The Spring

2007-05-17T19:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't make this up, and it is too good to copy. But you just have to go to Wrecking Havoc. it is worth the trip

Tick Warning

2007-05-16T22:29:00.000-07:00

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday.
I feel so stupid.

Thanks to HopALong and her sidekick

World Records and Broken Dreams

2007-05-15T13:02:00.000-07:00

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and the Hunchback of Notre Dame were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

The Hunchback of Notre Dame said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."

So they all decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went in first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphantly, "I am now officially the smallest person in the world."

Sometime later, the Hunchback of Notre Dame comes out looking utterly confused and says, "Who the hell is Rosie O'Donnell?"

Hat tip to HopALong

The Secret Of Spiderman Revealed!

2007-05-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder why all those women chase after some guy dressed up in a spandex like spider outfit? Well the answer was in our bananas all the time. Spiegel reports that:

Though its hairy legs and beady eyes may fail to inspire amor, the Brazilian wandering spider (Phoneutria nigriventer) has other endowments. The arachnid -- also known as the "banana spider" for its tendency to hide in bunches and shipping boxes of the fruit -- packs a venom that has rousing side-effects. Along with increased blood pressure and severe localized pain, male bite victims often experience prolonged and painful erections. And, after their symptoms subside, some men report an improvement in their sex life.

Ok, the increased blood pressure and pain thingy are ungood, but hey whats a little pain for a lot of gain?

A British Sign Story

2007-05-15T00:04:00.000-07:00

Small Business, Big Ideas
Yes, the British seem to have figured out why God created air conditioning. Course I have no idea why the logo is a car, but all-in-all they are on the right track. At any rate, just remember gents, keep your hands on the freon and off the nobs!

The Sign Is Wrong!
Ladies feel free to dance all you like. However, if your air conditioning does not work please call 020 8797 2690 before commencing. (No spandex please).

Advice From the Great Kahuna
Now the Great Kahuna has some advice for you married men who are thinking about applying to Stiff Nipples for a job and hanging out on the NiteLink watching nubile spandexless ladies pole dancing. Just remember that bad things often come from good times. If you doubt this lesson then ask Mr. Toskana.

The Ultimate Bumper Sticker

2007-05-14T00:08:00.000-07:00

You know your day is about to take a turn for the worse if you can read the following bumper sticker (click the photo to enlarge)

Karen and the CIA

2007-05-13T20:27:00.000-07:00

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men - Bob and Ken, and a woman named Karen from Oxford.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of Bob to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

Bob said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go
home."

Then Ken was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was Karen's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another, followed by screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood Karen. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said:

"Some idiot loaded this gun with blanks so I had to beat him to death with
the chair."

How Kids See Their Fathers

2007-05-13T20:17:00.000-07:00

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says," My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mother works night shift, he sleeps with our next door neighbor.

Thanks to the Panther

General Knowledge

2007-05-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

Ok people, here is a test of your general knowledge brought to you by the Snow Bunny

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Estate Planning

2007-05-13T08:27:00.000-07:00

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

With the courage of knowing that he was soon to be wealthy he walks up to her and says "I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much smarter than men.

Thanks to HopALong.

A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley

2007-05-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Not to be detered the chicken jumped on the farmer's new Harley and sped off with a length of rope. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken drove slowly forward and rescued the horse! The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, never to be seperated.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. He told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out.

The moral of the story? - "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks."

Thanks to the SnowBunny

Don't Believe It - Sizes Does Count....

2007-05-08T01:08:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the Panther

Thoughtful Husbands

2007-05-05T21:09:00.000-07:00

A husband and wife went to a therapist for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, .. "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

Thaks to Panther

How To Tell A Woman's Age

2007-05-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

A woman named Shawn decides to have a face lift for her birthday, so she makes an appointment and spends $5000. After looking at herself in the mirror she feels pretty good about the results.

A few weeks later, Shawn stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply."Nope! I'm exactly 47," the woman says happily.

A little while later, she goes into McDonald's, and asks the counter girl, the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47." Now she's feeling really good, about herself.

Next Shawn stops in the drugstore, and while at the counter getting some mints she asks the clerk the same question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again Shawn proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting, for the bus to go home, Shawn asks an old man, waiting next to her, the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78, and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way, to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity finally gets the best of Shawn and she blurts out, "What the heck, go ahead."

The old man slips both of his hands, under her blouse and under her bra, and begins to feel around, very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast. He pushes her breasts together, and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this Shawn gets inpatient and says, "Okay, okay,...how old am I?"

The old man completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands and says, "Madam, you are 47." Stunned and amazed, Shawn says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man looks at her and asks "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't." Shawn says. Then with a smile the old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

If you smiled thank SnowBunny

Who Says Science Is Not Fun?

2007-05-03T17:16:00.000-07:00

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Thanks to JustJoshsMom

The Art of Negotiations

2007-05-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

Mark wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else. One day Mark got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you."

The girl looked at Mark and said, "NO!"

Not easily Discouraged Mark said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down."

The woman agrees and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boy friend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boy friend calls and asks what happened...? Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!

"Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to getting screwed.

Courtesy of HopALong.

An Explosive Situation

2007-05-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

A body builder is in a bar one night and gets lucky and picks up a very attractive woman named Lisa. After a couple of drinks and some small talk Lisa agrees to go back to the body builder's place to see his weights. After another drink or two things turn romantic and the body builder starts getting undressed.

The body builder takes off his shirt. Lisa is impressed and says, "What a great
chest you have."

The body builder replies "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

Next to come off is the body builder's trousers. Again Lisa is impressed and stammers out "What massive calves you have."

The body builder again tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."

Finally the body builder removes his underwear. Lisa takes one look and runs out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He finally catches up with her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.

The Lisa shaking in fear replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

Never Trust A Dog Who Says He Was A Marine

2007-04-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

This one is for Major Dad and Beege, from the mailbag guy!

Bob Gunner was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and sees a sign in front of an farmhouse: " Talking Dog for Sale." Of course he doesn't believe it, but figures what the heck, he has an hour to spare so he stops. In the backyard he finds a well-groomed Golden Retriever sitting there.

Jokingly Gunner asks the dog "You talk?" "Yep," replies the Golden.

After Gunner recovers from the shock, he says "So,what's your story?"

The Golden looks up and says, "Well, I discovered I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to serve my country, so I contacted the CIA. They had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ...the United States Marine Corps ... you know, because one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs". In no time at all the Marines had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Because no one figured a dog could eavesdrop, I became one of their most valuable sources of information. But the traveling tired me out and I wasn't getting any younger, so, I decided to settle down, retired from the Marines and got a good part-time job at the airport doing undercover security work - wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered significant illegal dealings and at the end I was awarded a batch of medals from the Marine Corps, the CIA, and TSA. Then I got married, fathered a bunch of puppies, and now I'm retired, just enjoying life in the country."

Gunner was amazed and decides to buy the dog, so he asks the farmer how much he wants:

"Ten dollars," the farmer says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because" the farmer replies "he's a liar. He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy."

Ocean Life and Children

2007-04-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

The unique perspective of the world through a child's eyes is often humorous, so to further your education HopALong sent these answers from children concerning sea life. Hope you enjoy.

1. I drew a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2, Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5. A Dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 6)

6. My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold,and it makes my willy small. Kevin age 6)

10. There are a lot of suckers in the ocean. The Mafia put them there. (Russ age 5)

The Joys Of A Modern Fitness Center

2007-04-29T01:57:00.000-07:00

Hat tip to Panther

Why Listening To Dad Is Not Always A Good Thing

2007-04-29T01:06:00.000-07:00

Chelsea returned from a date, and Hillary asked her if she had a good time, etc.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad."

Balance on Earth

2007-04-28T23:20:00.000-07:00

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things,"God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and aid, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and
humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

If you got a laugh out of this then thank the Panther of the North

The Lone Ranger's Talents

2007-04-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches,the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed."You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen very carefullyfor....the....last....time,

I said.....'BRING POSSE'

This smile brought to you by XRayGirl!

Through The Eyes Of A Child

2007-04-27T16:37:00.000-07:00

The following was sent to me by HopALong - one of my main sources - and are answers taken from a test given at a Catholic elementary school on the old and new testaments. The answers are those of the children and have not been corrected or retouched. I think you will find them more than humorous and

1. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was JOAN OF ARK. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

2. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

3. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

4. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

5. Moses led the Jews to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

7. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

8. The First Commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

10. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

13. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she Sang the Magna Carta.

14. When the Three Wise Guys from the East Side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

15. Jesus was born because Mary had an Immaculate Contraption.

16. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

17. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

18. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

19. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

An Irish Priest In Texas

2007-04-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

A Irish Priest named Father Michael was transferred from North Carolina to Texas.

Soon after settling in Father Michael rose from his bed one morning, walked to the window of his bedroom, and took a deep breath while he viewed with contentment the beautiful day outside. But then he noticed there was a mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

Father Michael not being one to delay, promptly called the local police station. The conversation went this way:

Good Morning; This is Officer Jones, How May I help you?

This is Father Michael, and the best of the day to yerself, there is a dead mule lying in me front lawn, would you be so kind as to send a couple O' yer lads to take care of the matter?

Officer Jones, considering himself to be quit a wit, replied with a smirk. "Well now Father, it was my impression that you people took care of the last rites?"

With out a pause Father Michael replied "Aye, tis certainly true, But We Are Also Obliged to notify the Next Of Kin!"

hat tip to HopAlong.

Why It Does Not Pay To Listen To One's Wife

2007-04-25T15:25:00.000-07:00

The week before her 40th birth a Bob was sitting on the edge of the bed observing his wife, Sue, turning back and forth as she looked at herself in the mirror. Be the observant and attentive husband he was he knew she was dreading the big "40." In order to ensure Sue enjoyed her next birthday Bob:

"Dear what would you like for your birthday?"

"I'd like to be six again," his wife replied, still looking in the mirror.

For the next week Bob made painstaking plans on how to give Sue exactly what she wanted.

On the morning of her Birthday, the Bob arose early and made her breakfast in bed consisting of nice big bowl of Lucky Charms.

No sooner was breakfast over then Bob whisked Sue off to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours Later they staggered out of the theme park. When Bob asked Sue how she felt, she replied "my head is reeling and my stomach is upside down.

Bob then took Sue to McDonald's where and ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Now Sue's stomach was upset as well as being upside down.

Finally Sue wobbled home with the help of her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted, and a little sick to her stomach. At that time Bob leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed as she replied:

"I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

Hat tip to the NorthernOne

Technorati Link

2007-04-24T12:21:00.000-07:00

Technorati Profile

2007-04-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

2007-04-23T16:48:00.000-07:00

Three guys -- a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden, and a good ole boy from Mississippi State Engineering School are walking together one day and come across a lantern. The Canadian reachs down and picks it up and PoooooF - a Genie pops out.

"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

Pooooof! With a blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can EVER come into our precious state."

The Genie sighs and Pooooof! Again, with the blink of the eye, there is a huge wall around those countries.

The Mississippi State engineer asks, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall". The Genie explains, "Well, it's 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds those countries........it's virtually impenetrable. Now what is your wish?"

The good ole engineer smiles and says, "Fill it with water." Pooooof!

North Carolina Bus Service

2007-04-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Another report of less than stellar parking abilities. This time from North Carolina where a lady reportedly named Christi decided to take the bus when she encountered heavy traffic. She to is blonde.

Biker Babes, Sisters, and Helmets

2007-04-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

More news of drivers who instill confidence in those around them, this time from Ohio and it is my very own Sis! As you can see she is a biker babe so be careful you don't get on her wrong side! I mean if she wants to wear her helmet bass ackwards who am I to tell her different?

(oh, by the way she stopped dying her hair and let it return to its natural color - blonde)

Why Older Women Are Best

2007-04-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

I took a look at my wife one day and said, "30 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 55-year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis!!!!

Texas Parking

2007-04-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

From the NortherOne comes this photo of a Texas woman named Teri parking her car prior to going boating.

The Pursuit Of Wisdom

2007-04-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

Wisdom - college professors claim to dispense it, philosophers claim to seek it, and our elders claim to posses it. However, the enlightened know true wisdom is only to be found scrawled on shit house walls. So thanks to HopALong we no longer have to travel the country to glean wisdom from those hollowed stalls:

Woman's Restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE:
Friends don't let friends
take home ugly men.

Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC
If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.

Women's Restroom
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
No matter how good he looks,
some other girl is sick and tired
of putting up with his shit.

Women's Restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Men's Restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ
Express Lane:
Five beers or less

Sign over mirror in Women's Restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
You're too good for him.

Sign over mirror in Men's Restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
No wonder you always go home alone.

Women's Restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it

Retirement Planning

2007-04-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 left.

If you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan.

Not Over Weight, Just Under Tall

2007-04-17T19:04:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what a 320 pound woman looks like - well now you know! The lady in the photo is 320 pounds - no one can argue that she carries her weight well! Of course she is also 7 foot 4. So no more talk about being over weight, we're just under tall.

Hat tip to the TundraLady

Blonds and Light Bulbs

2007-04-17T18:30:00.000-07:00

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. Then it hit me - if I acted "CRAZY" maybe he would tell me to take a few days off.

After thinking about it for a few minutes I hung upside down from the ceiling and made funny noises. My coworker (who's blond) saw me and asked what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office looked at me and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. As planed he shook his head and said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office.

As I was leaving my coworker(the blond) followed me. The Boss looked at her and said "where do you think you're going?"

The blond just looked at him and said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Remembering

2007-04-16T21:09:00.000-07:00

Newscoma has the best response to the horrific day that today was - a slide show set to On The Wings Of An Angel. Take a few moments to listen and watch, and while you do please keep those who died today on your mind and in your hearts.

Actual 911 Call

2007-04-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dispatcher: 9-1-1

Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.

Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?

Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.

Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?

Caller: No

Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?

Caller: Running from the Police.

From HopALong

New Report

2007-04-16T15:12:00.000-07:00

The American Psychiatric Association released a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty shocking:

1. 5% of women feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him, he's a good
man, and they would have married him anyway.

Hat tip to JustJoshsmom

Little Old Ladies In Court

2007-04-15T21:56:00.000-07:00

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the little bastard.

Arkansas Razorbacks

2007-04-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, Sir!"

New Fashion

2007-04-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

Ok, someone tell me just how the hell do put these on let alone walk in them?

Hat tip to justjoshsmom

What Makes An Ohio State Fan?

2007-04-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an Ohio State University fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are OSU fans too. Not really knowing what a OSU fan was, but wanting to be liked by their teacher, their hands fly into the air. There is,however,one exception. A little girl named Janet has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an OSU fan" she reports.

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm a proud Notre Dame fan" boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Janet why she is a Notre Dame fan.

"Well, my Dad and Mom are Notre Dame fans, so I'm a Notre Dame fan too" she responds.

The teacher is angry now "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"

Janet smiles and says, "Then I'd be an Ohio State University fan."

GO IRISH

Why A Man Should Attend Church

2007-04-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come

Good Plan Gone Bad

2007-04-14T01:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks to the NorthOne

Killer Bicuits and Blonds

2007-04-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

This story has been making the rounds as true, it was supposedly carried by the AP, alas it is only an urban legend...but still funny!

KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda ref used to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is a blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

Thanks to justjoshsmom!!

The New World of Lust

2007-04-13T16:27:00.000-07:00

One night Mark was out and about and and met Lola, a strikingly beautiful woman, at the local tavern. After a couple of Drinks Lola asks Mark if he'd like to come see her sketches. Now Mark may be ugly but he is not stupid, so he readily agrees and off they go to Lola's place. Of course sketches lead to love making and Mark has the wildest night of his life, Lola knew exactly how to please a man.

After a long night of making love, Mark notices a photo of another man on Lola's
night stand and begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," Lola replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" Mark continues.

"No, not at all," Lola says, nibbling away at his ear.

Still worried, Mark asks "Is it your dad or your brother?"

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!" Lola answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he?" Mark demands.

To which Lola smiles, bats her eyelashes and says....

"That's me before my surgery."

Why Living Wills Are Ungood

2007-04-10T16:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room talking about many things. The idea of a living will came up and I said to her:

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent some machine and fluids from a bottle. If I ever come to that just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

Bitch...